Saturday, August 26, 2006

Idle fingers

I've been noticing two important repercussions to my present state of relative leisure (I've been working drastically reduced hours this month). I'm enjoying the extra energy and time to engage in my hobbies and favourite pastimes and I'm finding that I have enough time to miss my daughters and Rosi. I missed out on Rowena's infancy because I didn't meet her until it was too late. Now I'm missing out on Charlize's infancy because I need to provide for my family, not to mention the fact that Filipinos can't get into Korea as easily as us lucky folk from rich English countries.

I am coming to a better understanding of workaholism. It's so simple, ignore your family, and put all of your energies into making money and creating beautiful things where creation is easy, a workplace within which you have some skill and experience. At home there are all sorts of things you can't control, (E.g. lazy, drunken in-laws; illness, both mental and physical). Even now, far away from my babies I can feel the pull to get outside of the house the vomiting, stinky diapers, the boredom of television and the lethargy that comes from staying in one place for too long. But I also long for the chance to try out the balancing of home and work to hone my skills of acclimatize to domestic life and finding unobtrusive ways to do an excellent job at work whilst still taking good care of and nurturing a strong, healthy family. I can honestly say I really don't know what a healthy family looks or feels like but I find myself yearning to try out my ideas. For every day that I spend away from my daughters and wife I fear that the vigour of my family will wane.

But there's nothing I can do to bring us together sooner. Meanwhile, I can only imagine, and recall the joys of fatherhood, husband-hood. What is a good father like?

I think he can bring a great deal of positive energy especially when the mom is a stay-at-home. Providing perspective and relief to the drudger. Pushing the child into relatively dangerous situations so as to counterpoise the mother's over-protectiveness.

Be with the children as much as possible, bringing my own special skills to help raise the children as thoughtfully and lovingly as possible. Helping with homework when they get older and showering the whole family with the fruits of my labour. All the necessities of life and just enough luxury to make life pleasant and succulent-- it's just money afterall. Shower my family with affection, curtesy, and respect.

These days, Charlize is beginning to reach towards things that she wants and realizing that this can be a signal for help.

"Bring that closer."

Stretching her arms out when she wants to be picked up. Sitting without support and bearing her own weight with some help. I'm missing so much.

I'm trying to replace the experiences that I should be having by watching movies and TV programs. Thus producing dark thoughts -- Evil will prevail. I hope not, and yet what if I have missed too much?

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